Grief is hard. It exhausts your body, your thoughts and your heart. Right now one of the hardest parts is that I don’t know how long it is going to last. Outwardly it may be over in a week or 2 to those who visit or interact with me. But if you ask the question, or sit with me at night, or really care, you will come to find out Grief is its own nomad. Just when he will pack up his tent to move on, I don’t know. But I know he is here.
We found out 2 weeks (roughly) before Christmas that we were chosen by a birthcouple to adopt their baby. The couple was keeping the entire pregnancy a secret from her parents- with whom they were living. I know. Shocking. And she pulled it all off, until after we had him in our house for just over a week. But to back up a little.
Our son, Caleb Thomas was born 1/16/2011. His birthparents had us see him, hold him, and love him first before they even did after her C-section. They had us name him, and bring him home from the hospital Wednesday the 19th of January. We loved him. He was adorable. Annabel loved him. We fed him in the wee hours of the night. We swaddled him. We kissed him. He was a little brother. He was our gift from God.
Then I got a phone call at 4:23 on Thursday the 28th from his birthmom, sobbing. Her parents had found out. They wanted her to take him back. That Friday we walked out of our agency with an empty carseat and empty hearts.
The tears haven’t stopped yet.
Oh my good God, Kara.
ReplyDeleteWhat really horribly gut-wrenching thing to have happen to you. I am so sorry that you're living this. I don't know how you'd possibly have stopped crying already. I'd have give myself a few months before I even felt slightly human again if I lost a child. That is four thousand kinds of heart-breaking.
I wish I could fix it all somehow. I am sending you long cyber hugs, wishing I could sit quietly with you in your house, help take care of Annabel and ride the waves of grief with you in some small way. Many deep prayers,friend, many prayers. May the God of all peace be with you.
Thanks for your care Carleen. It has been therapeutic to write about it, however I am not sure this is really a good/safe place to post. But this is the edited version and I just needed to write. I appreciate all your thoughts and prayers. I know we'll make it through, I just have to keep telling myself that!
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you and your family. I am so sorry.
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