Our profile is done. We've had our first birthmother view it and reject us. Haha. That sounds so harsh. I am sure she had 20 to look at or so and I keep telling myself, "someone else deserves that great Christmas gift and gosh, get over it already- this was only the first one, this roller coaster is going to happen over and over~ get used to it~" But the self-talk doesn't work. I still am sad, feel a bit hopeless and just need a boost of faith. Adoption is hard. It isn't fun like people want to treat it. I grit my teeth at the "I'm so excited for you guys,!" and "It is so fun to watch you going through this!" Seriously people? I mean really, fun?! Obviously you have no clue. But I digress, (and sound bitter at the same time). I really am not bitter, and they really don't have a clue. Which is why I can't get bitter.
I have such a quandary about whether or not to talk to people about the adoption- I really want people to pray for us. I know prayer is powerful. But I dread the comments (such as the aforementioned).
I just want a baby. Another child. A sibling or 4 for Sweetpea. Why does it have to be so hard?
I worry my faith isn't strong enough or I don't pray "right" or I just don't DO something correctly. Which is supposedly silly. What is it that I need to remind myself? God is Love. HE knows the plans he has for me. (Pssst. Can I know? They're good, right?!)
There you have it folks. Real, raw and a bit rancid.
I'm grateful that you continue to "barf" out your thoughts on occasion. Quite often your insights teach me something or at least remind me of something true that I needed to be reminded about.
ReplyDeleteLove you and praying and hoping for you.
Real, raw and rancid is exactly the way it should be. I'm glad to hear reality and not just some sugar-coated pretend version.
ReplyDeleteIt makes all kinds of sense that the loss of knowing you were rejected is hard and not exciting. DUH. People don't know what an adoption entails...they just expect it means that you're in some sort of virtual line, waiting your turn for the perfect little baby. And while that's sort of true, it's of course only a tiny sliver of the story. I don't think you need to harden your heart or buck-up or stuff your feelings...feel the loss. Rejection hurts. I think it's good to grieve that. Get mad. Vomit your feelings here. Cry. And talk about it with people who make you feel safe and accepted. You're very wise to avoid bitterness, get sad or mad or whatever it is that you feel and FEEL it, don't shove it down into your toes to compact and become bitter.
Glad to hear what's going on. Much love to you as you sit there in Purgatory.
Purgatory- Love it! :) Thanks for the encouragement you two. Doing better, just a rough week last week! And Carlie... I heard I missed out on a lunch when you were in town :( Def. call me too next time!!!
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